Who am I?

I make the noise to shake you up
I fake a smile to cheer you up
I'll lead the way to your disaster
I'm the one you can't run after

" The day would lie before us both, long not doubt, and uneventful, but fraught with a certain stillness, a dear tranquility we had not known before"

- Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier

How *NOT* to make the first move

It's quite amusing how my first post of the new year is going to be this..but i guess life has it;s ways of laughing back at you.

Here goes my disastrous attempt at starting a conversation with a total stranger-:

For the last couple of months, i had been eyeing this totally cute guy on the metro. And the whole time i waited for him to make the first move. But after TWO MONTHS OF NOTHING but only staring...i thought- ENOUGH! It was time to take matters into my own hands. If he was not going to do it, I will.

Today: It seemed as if fate had plans for me. I board the metro at the usual hour and find that all the seats BUT the one next to HIM are occupied. I have not other choice but to place myself right next to him. And so begins our 50 min train ride together.'

Suddenly,my head starts screaming- "DO SOMETHING. THIS IS IT! Make the Move...Find out if he's worth the pursuit"...and out of pure impulse and realising that we were about to de-board, i pluck up enough courage to sit up and talk to him. Here's what happend next-

Me (looking at him intently) : Excuse me

He (staring ahead in space  and earphone plugged in ignores)

Me (tapping on his arm and smiling foolishly): Excuse me

He (turning his face with zero expression) : yea

Me (smiling, trembling, stammering): What kind of music are you listening to? I am totally bored of the music on my ipod and i could use some ideas on the different kind of music i could listen to.

He (zero expression again and pointing to his phone) : yea...so i listen to this

He pulls out his phone and shows me his playlist. And THEN it happens..

Me (still smiling, slightly trembling) : oh, nice! what genre do you really like?

He : No, not that, i have basically rock and rap

Me: oh, so you like hip hop?

He: No, i just listen to some rap songs

(All this time he is scrolling up and down and then he suddenly pauses on one track)

HE: this is my favorite track (pointing to Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You)

ME (thinking, "is he gay?" :|) - Oh nice..thats a really old number

He (still NO expression)- Yea..well...what music do you listen to

Me (pulling out my playlist and scrolling real fast): i listen to all sorts of music...rock, hip hop, pop

He: oh..so you ahve *kali*fornia love too (yes, that's right...he pronounced California Love as *kali*fornia..where kali as in hindi for flower bud)

Me (stumped, totally turned off and speechless..still trembling :|): yea..

By then, the train arrived at his station and he bid adieu and went off. I on the other hand, asked myself, "What the fuck did just happen?"  I knew i never should have attempted to make the first move..or any move for that matter.. I am a disaster when it comes to flirting (or whatever it was that i did) and this just proves it.

Btw, im never getting back on the same train as him. :)

Jealousy

It's when you see that smile and wonder why it was'nt for you. When your hands brush your lips in dissappointment. When your mind is in a rage and your eyes refuse to look away.

You begin to fear and loathe.

....

You're a hero till you fall. You're then a battered victim without hope.

Looking Back and Ahead

2009 was the year of the highest of highs and somewhat lows.

It began with bidding farwell to a close friend, getting a promotion, a makeover and a roller coaster vacation. It was also the year of falling out of lust and diving deep into music and books. I let go of a lot of my inhibitions, yet was hesistant in going ahead with some of my ideas. I discovered new music, attempted to play the drums (of which i soon got bored and gave up), and made three new friends (which is quite an acheivement, btw!). I tried my hand at dating (again!), socialising and building my network of aquaintances. I did suceed in growing the number of people i know but failed miserably at socialising. I also was able to make work impersonal and had looked forward to being home on time. It was also the year i had most fun- without any worries.

The year brought with it some surprises, plenty of presents (thanks, Mint!) and a new found confidence. I discovered a whole new aspect about myself (which, at first shocked and then pleased me). The end of the year brought with it a delicious engagement which is currently adding a lot of fun to my hour long travel to work.

Looking back, of all the things i had sought out to do this year, most has been successfully accomplished. I think i have emerged a much stronger person and have gained some clarity about my future. What the next will bring, im damned curious to find out. But i guess i ahve already anticipated some of it.

2010 might not be any different but then again, it could also be the year of change. I hope it would be.

But all I know is: there’s something new this year.

All I know is there’s something new real near.

- Hello Saferide

wow!

Today was the day I unlearned everything. All that I thought I would learn about was put to test, validated and then popped right out the window.
Till today, I was unsure of what I was doing or wanted to do. but I guess, right now I'm the world's most clear headed person. Witnessing supreme empty headed pompousness and empty words have left just one lingering thought- is this what "the best" can do?
Today is the day I know for sure what I can do and I'll b damned if I don't go ahead and achieve it!