Jealousy

It's when you see that smile and wonder why it was'nt for you. When your hands brush your lips in dissappointment. When your mind is in a rage and your eyes refuse to look away.

You begin to fear and loathe.

....

You're a hero till you fall. You're then a battered victim without hope.

Looking Back and Ahead

2009 was the year of the highest of highs and somewhat lows.

It began with bidding farwell to a close friend, getting a promotion, a makeover and a roller coaster vacation. It was also the year of falling out of lust and diving deep into music and books. I let go of a lot of my inhibitions, yet was hesistant in going ahead with some of my ideas. I discovered new music, attempted to play the drums (of which i soon got bored and gave up), and made three new friends (which is quite an acheivement, btw!). I tried my hand at dating (again!), socialising and building my network of aquaintances. I did suceed in growing the number of people i know but failed miserably at socialising. I also was able to make work impersonal and had looked forward to being home on time. It was also the year i had most fun- without any worries.

The year brought with it some surprises, plenty of presents (thanks, Mint!) and a new found confidence. I discovered a whole new aspect about myself (which, at first shocked and then pleased me). The end of the year brought with it a delicious engagement which is currently adding a lot of fun to my hour long travel to work.

Looking back, of all the things i had sought out to do this year, most has been successfully accomplished. I think i have emerged a much stronger person and have gained some clarity about my future. What the next will bring, im damned curious to find out. But i guess i ahve already anticipated some of it.

2010 might not be any different but then again, it could also be the year of change. I hope it would be.

But all I know is: there’s something new this year.

All I know is there’s something new real near.

- Hello Saferide

wow!

Today was the day I unlearned everything. All that I thought I would learn about was put to test, validated and then popped right out the window.
Till today, I was unsure of what I was doing or wanted to do. but I guess, right now I'm the world's most clear headed person. Witnessing supreme empty headed pompousness and empty words have left just one lingering thought- is this what "the best" can do?
Today is the day I know for sure what I can do and I'll b damned if I don't go ahead and achieve it!

An excerpt from The World As I See It by Albert Einstein

I chanced upon this essay by Albert Einstein (we all know who HE is!) and this particular part of the essay sort of stuck on. It talks about how importance of life's mysteries and how it makes life even more interesting.

""The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

Braindead

For a long time i've been thinking about what i can post here that will amount to an acceptable "blog entry". My long metro rides have given birth to several superb ideas on what i could possibly write about- farting men, fashionless women, pretentious insensitive humans, the rush hour crowd, etc. However, the trouble with my grey cells is that they refuse to go beyond the idea. The thought of penning down an entire blog post is so revolting to the my otherwise active brain that they simply stop functioning the moment i get the paper out.

My brain dies just when i want it the most.

P.S: this post has no point to it. Just an example of how empty my mind feels right now.

December Wishlist

The year is about to end and i need something to look forward to in the next year. That's what resolutions are. They are those painful truths that keep knocking on our conscience when we stray.

Even if the resolutions i make are imaginary and maybe wont ever happen, I'll have something more than  mundane life to keep me going. So, instead of naming it 2010 wishlist (which i probably will create in some days), i have decided to call it my December Wishlist.

Here goes-

1. Navy blue hair

2. Scarlet nails

3. A clear head

4. A new emotion

5. A macbook

6.  New Obsession

7. Alternate choice

8.  Silence

Past Life

We live in accordance with our deep, driving desire.
It is this desire at the time of death
that determines what our next life is to be.
We will come back to earth to work
out the satisfaction of that desire.

- The Upanishads

" She followed slowly, taking a long time,
as though there were some obstacle in the way;
and yet: as though , once it was overcome,
she would be beyond all waking, and would fly."

- Going Blind, Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Stephen Mitchell)

....

Life's taken a full circle back and smacked me hard on my face!

It's quite unbelievable, actually. I'm still reeling from the shock. The unpredictable turn of events has definetly got me smashed up.

And for the time ever, i regret.

Oh Satan

Oh Satan,

Where did you go?

When the time was right

Why did'nt you show

The sweetness of evil

and the demolition of the angel

 

Oh Satan,

Why did you not come

to the burial ground

WHere we buried the good

and brought out the dead

 

Oh Satan,

Grant me one last wish

To hold them in my palm

Squeezing them alive

And while you feed on their souls

Let me drink their blood as wine

November

Have been experiencing a variety of emotions lately and all together- excitement, anger, bitterness, lusty, cheery, overwhelmed, restless, happy. The year is about to end and i can feel a storm building up. It's that time of the year when i take out my list and strike out the things i had meant to do. Unfortunately, this year, i dont think i will be striking out anything.

:(

It's November.

And i'm trying really hard not to look forward to certain things. And im trying equally hard to let go of certain things.

The Time Traveler's Wife

When it comes to the Time Traveler’s wife, you don’t know what to expect. therefore, one tends to make numerous assumptions; or atleast I did. I thought it would be science fiction with some element of romance thrown in. I expected it to contain various theories on time travel- potential cures , etc. But it is the exact opposite. The moment you start reading the first page, all your pre-conceived notions are thrown out the window.

The Time Traveler’s Wife is perhaps , one of the most beautiful book I have read in a really long time. It is a story of Henry and Clare- their journey through love, life and time. Henry travels through time and its pretty much not under his control. Clare is an artist and both have known each other their life. This book has the ability to make you fall in love, break your heart, makes you smile and before you know it, tears will be rolling down your face. For me, the book was about love. What it is and how it grows- through time, absence and distance.

The author uses Homer’s Odyssey and AS Byatt’s Possession as metaphorically explaining what Henry and Clare go through. The book in parts drags- but you’ve got to hold on. Its at the end when you know that its not wasted. Written very simply and clearly, Audrey Niffenger manages to weave together a timeless story of emotions- love, longing, loneliness, death and dreams. it is narrated in first person alternatively by Henry and Clare- you see the world through their eyes, feelings and thoughts. I finished this book on my way to work and i remember listening to my ipod while reading- strangely, when the book was about to end, U2's Stuck In A Moment began. What an apt song to sum it all up.

I am no expert in love. But if it is the way it is in this book, then yes, I want to fall in love. Even when it is not there.

I leave you with the opening lines of the book which I absolutely adore:

“Clare: It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays.

 

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow al winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"

 

 

Comfortably Numb

Lately, the thought of letting go of a number of things (mostly habits) have occupied my otherwise idle mind. But the fact that i'd be called a quitter has stopped me from making it happen. Everyday, i can feel the rebel in me trying to come out and confront the madness. Force me to shed the garb and speak out. But I can't. Or I won't. Because, over the past three years, I've learnt that people don't appreciate your honesty. Atleast, most of those I've met. And, honestly, i'm tired of explaining. Im done with it. But I';m also done with trying to talk to anyone. I'm beginning to get so comfortable with myself and my life that it scares me. What if i never really feel the pain? What if i miss out on some of the most important lessons in life simply because i'm comfortably cushioned away from it all? It's too easy. Everything. Too simple that it makes everything else so complex.

The year is about to end and I seem to have been able to do only a couple of the dozen things i intended to do. I just don't have time to move out of my comfort- to experience the rush of risk; the danger of spontaneity; the happiness of surviving; the sadness of letting go- to take it all in before it's tooo late. I've become a robot with a routine.

That's not how i started out. I dont crave for unnecessary excitement but only for life to happen to me at the right time.

Just in time before i go completely numb.

"I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb."

What do you do when you know you're good? I mean, really really good at what you do. Do you attempt to hide it in the shadows of other's foolishness or flaunt it full view of everyone ?

And why is it that when one attempts to flaunt their individuality, their intellect and their supreme ability to accomplish every task that comes their way- such people are labelled arrogant and aggresive?

Why can't we stand some one else's courage to stand out in the crowd and rebel? Why are we so caught up in doing things "the right way"?

And those who can't flaunt it, successfully fake it!

Tolerating someone else's success has always been a problem with us humans and will probably always be.

Just live and let live. Seriously!!

Lestat

I wrote this while watching Interview With The Vampire. This short poem, (or whatever you may wish to call it) is dedicated to Lestat..who never found love.

*********************************************************************************

Disappointed, the old vampire receded into the dark
Determined to come back to life
Or to surviving that he knew was not hard

He kept himself awake with the blood of the sweet maid
Who knew her master was ill and that her fate was made
She gave up all she had for him
Only to be turned into what others would call a sin

She loved him and so did he
Together, they set about
With dreams of conquering the world

Until one fateful day HE decided to return
Detached, cold, restless and undone
He was beautiful and clean
Like the devil, HE walked in unseen

HE was mortal and not dead
For 200years, it never seemed to end
Now HE knew he’d found his nemesis
Who lay unaware in the arms of his mistress

They dueled all night and then in the dark
She watched them with an impassive heart
It must all stop, she told herself
I must bring a closure, it must all end

And so she burned their castle down
Fell in his arms and cried out aloud
“atlast we pay for all our sins,
Let us leave as our hearts bleed”



HE watched them turn to ash and dust
As He made his way back to the world
That gave HIM no life or even death
But only the loss of a friend
HE no longer regrets

Let's Live Again

After a point of time, all your senses go numb. You stop feeling or caring about anything. All that matters is absolute nothingness and complete inadequacy to enjoy the simple joys of life. That's when the bigger questions begin to hit you.

Where are you headed?

What does it all mean?

Why should you live this way?

Is this how you have chosen to live now?

Can you ever go back? Ever?

And immediately after this, you start thinking about "back then". About how things were same and yet you never complained. So why now? If you can't feel anything, what is THIS called?

Suddenly it dawns upon you that this is how it is going to be. The past, the present, the future. All amalgamate into one large drawing and while you're busy filling in the colours of your present or covering up the smudges of your past or even outlining the contours of your future, life happens. It doesn't matter what you've drawn. It would've happened had you not been so busy with your picture- fixing it, altering it, etc.

So what's the bottomline to all of this? Nothing.  You live and then you die. Turn to dust.  You're senses dont mean anything in the end.

What do you do now? Just go around doing what you want to do. Feel what you want to feel. The longer you waste your time being someone else, harder it will become for you to feel anything foryourself.

Be whole again. Be yourself. The world can go to hell. Dont go with it.

Strictly Sexual

When you hear about a movie called Strictly Sexual, you dismiss it immediately for you assume that all it would have is sex, loads of crappy disgusting jokes on sex and silly humour with a too-good-to-be-true ending. That’s exactly what I thought when I first stumbled upon the movie.

But Strictly Sexual is just the opposite. This 2008 movie about two women (Donna and Christie Ann) who hire two out of work construction workers (Stanny and Joe) as their sexual partners manages to delight you and at the same time does not lose itself by focusing simply on sex. It explores friendship, love and relationships in a very refreshing way.  Donna is a writer who is afraid to share or show her work to anyone. She is also very rich and loves to experiment in bed. Christie Ann is her sexually timid friend who is an aspiring fashion designer. It is her idea to hire the two men so that she can “practice” with one of them and hence become better at sex. Stanny is the cynic and Joe is the sweet dumb guy who you fall in with. The movie is about how what starts out as a “strictly sexual” encounter evolves into something so much more beautiful and practical.

I loved the movie because it’s romantic without being too corny or unrealistic. It presents you with situations that you can relate with and in no time feel that it could happen to you too.  If you love non-clichéd romantic movies, this one is definitely for you.

(poster image source: http://shufilm.blogspot.com/2009/01/unit-4x13.html)

Previous Post

“...then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open”

Agnes De Mille

Love

She felt love like a wild flower
Cut by the storm and trampled by the rain
But as the morning dew rests on its soft petal
It would be alive again

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

  - Marianne Williamson

For the lack of anything better to do, I conjured this up.. call it a poem, call it a song..i dont know. I even don't have a title for it. Care to suggest one?

********************************************************************************************************

Sitting on the ceiling, watching the world pass by
Trying to keep up and I don’t know why
Hoping you will see me up in the sky
And I wait for you here,
And I wait for you here 

The song is full of dreams and memories
The night we parted and never came
Back to the world we so hated
Oh yea!
You said you’d never go back
Oh yea!
You said you ever never gonna go back

Sitting on the ceiling, watching the world pass by
Trying to keep up and I don’t know why
Hoping you will see me up in the sky
And I wait for you here,
And I wait for you here

I silently watch you fall
On your own lies
Try not to smile now,
As it may seem fake

Sitting on the ceiling, watching the world pass by
Trying to keep up and I don’t know why
Hoping you will see me up in the sky
And I wait for you here,
And I wait for you here

A Drunk Me

I've always wondered how would I be if I were totally completely drunk..having heard of some really interesting stories of my friends acting like real freaks after 3 rounds of vodka.

Well..the opportunity came when we were saying goodbye to a close friend and colleague and it was decided that 6 of us gather at her place for a complete daaru session.

I reached her place at 7pm and found everything and everyone was waiting for me. I sat down and one of the boys poured me a small neat shot of vodka. Yes..I was damn nervous when I had the glass in my hand coz the last thing I wanted was to puke even before the party started. But after encouragement from the others... I said a little prayer and gulped down the teeny weeny shot of hot liquid. 

And I did not feel a thing. 

It was so disappointing that i asked the boys to make me another neat shot of vodka. What the heck, i thought. I'll give it another try. So down went the second drink and I still not feel a thing.

So now it was time for the party to begin...and the drinks started pouring. I was given a choice between Vodka+Orange Juice & Whiskey with coke. 

Having had enough vodka, I chose the latter, having never tried it before.

In 3 minutes, I was done with the first round and that;s when the magic started. I began to giggle for no reason which then turned in to a scary uncontrollable laughter. By the time I finshed the second round of whiskey, I was practically rolling on the floor laughing for no apparent reason.

And to my surprise, I got the entire room roaring loudly. We were like a bunch of mad crazy animals let loose.

I donot remember having as much fun as I did that night. All that drinking and laughing...my ribs hurt for the next three days!! 

**Sigh** I love alcohol.

 

P.S: I hope my sisters never read this...or they will be writing a post on how they murdered me after reading this. :(

....

Random Thought#1

I think I am slowly losing my mind. Giving in to the sanity of the world. Though it's hard to say why...maybe because I am giving in or maybe because I am too tired.

Does'nt matter really. 

Random Thought#2

Fighting off the peace my mind has suddenly developed. It's hard to think when I'm relaxed\

Random Thought#3

I miss the part of me when I loved everyone. I just can't stand people now

Random Thought#4

If god had a plan for all us...does it mean that my plan is lost? Am I living someone else's life?

Random Thought#5

I'm not a cynic. Nor am i a skeptic. I am being the person I ought to be.

25 things..or maybe less

Everyone's doing it everywhere. I thought I'd do it here. Here is a list of 25 or may be less things of whatever-:

1. Writing's crap and boring. I prefer talking, online chatting and screaming.

2. If looks could kill, i probably would've died a number of times

3. It kills me to know that so many people are travelling around the world, exploring differnet places at this very moment while I am here typing out this mindless shit.

4. My true love is music and unfortunately all gifted musicians are either broke or drug addicts or both.

5. I am a control freak in the making. I love to bully.

6. I think common sense decreases the more you climb up the corporate ladder.

7. I like to form words in the air. I do this quite often.

8.  I hate the fact that the mindless Paris Hilton has so much more money than me.

9. I hate pretending to be nice all the time.

10.  I discovered what true happiness is when I held my pair of drum sticks for the first time. Can't wait to begin to play.

11. I secretly want to be a hip hop artist but I can't rap!

12. I love to sing. If my voice were'nt so bad, I would sing in public all day long.

13.  I am running out of things to write.

14. As much as I crib about being single, I secretly love the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. In these times of recession, it;s the best thing.

15. I wish I could fly. I envy all the birds.

16.  I am yet to discover my true passion and I am in no hurry. I know it will find me.

17. I dont miss my school and college days.  Life sucked then and life sucks now. No point in cribbing and "missing the good ol' days".

18. Sex is over-rated. It is one activity everyone indulges in and yet no one speaks about it. 

19. I love everyone who's on Twitter.

20. I like to know everything about everyone everytime.

21. I like to read but not as much as I say I do.

22. Whoever thought of this 25 things  all those who write it have nothing better to do in life. Go save the world or something.

Thursday Mix

Here is what I'm currently addicted to. My Thursday Mix :

Breathe, Stretch, Shake- Mase

California Love- 2Pac

The Mating Game-  Bittersweet

Come Together- Aerosmith

Bleed Like Me- Garbage

California Sun- Jem

A Good Start-Jem

All I Need- Matt Kearney

Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson

Stop- Jamelia

Crazy in Love- Beyonce Knowles

Loaded- Primal Scream

Tell Everybody That you Know- Kanye West

Lapdance- N.E.R.D feat.Lee Harvey and Vita

Flashing Lights - Kanye West

No Diggity- Blackstreet feat. Dr Dre

Video Killed the Radio Star- The Buggles

Two Princes- Spin Doctors

Let's go all the way- Sly Fox

Chapter One

She could not trust anybody she met. Her thoughts were largely colored by what others felt. She was getting closer to deceiving herself every day. It felt like small rocks were slowly filling up in every space of her body and that if she did not conform to the “rules of the game”, she would be left behind and lead an average life.  She longed for Prince Charming and rejected everyone who came along. She also never had any real friends. All those she met had some agenda which once fulfilled, would go away, giving her only a taste of what real friendship could be like. The ones she tried to hang out with were always disapproved by either her family or her other “good” friends.

She tried to be someone else every day, since being herself made her look shallow, silly and juvenile. Everything she thought was wrong. Everything she wanted to do was unsuitable. She was going nowhere and she was pleasing no body.

808s and Heartbreak

I usually dont listen to complete  albums by single artists. They tend to bore me so I keep myself limited to a few of their popular tracks. 

I am also a faithful hip hop/r&b/rap fan. Though pop, rock, jazz interest me, but hip hop is something i keep coming back to.  I stumbled upon Kanye West's latest album 808s and Heartbreak via Grey's Anatomy. One of the latest episodes had Streetlights playing and as is my habit, I went on to investigate  the song.

Kanye;s 808s and Heartbreak is experimental album. He has explored new sounds,  beats and lyrics and is definetly unlike his other albums.

Another brilliant track from the album is Tell Everybdy That You KNow which features Lil Wayne. After the much successful (& grammy winner) Tha Carter III, Lil Wayne has certainly come a long way. This track has the two artists experimenting with never heard before voice effects and rapping. totally love the number and cannot help listening to it over  and over again.

All in all, a supremely interesting album and definetly recommended to all those who are bored of the boring cliched gangsta rap/hip hop. This one's a refreshing change.

Music

I love every song I listen to. Any thing that makes me move, allows me to dream and helps me take my mind off of reality.

Music represents more than just lyrics, beats and rythm. It is another form of living. A life where you don't have to worry about anything, think about anything or even bother being nice to anyone. Our whole life can be summed up by a few tracks; that's how simple music can make life. 

While we try to classify music as trashy or classic; meaningful or simply a waste of melody, the tuth remains, our souls are alive because we can always tune out of reality's single boring note and transport ourselves into this magical world where there are so many beats that you son drift off into bliss.

So whether we like hip hop or country or rock or pop, we all are united by this one singular string which keeps us breathing everyday.

Go discover your music. Go discover your life.

New year...Already??

Yup! That was my reaction when I realized that New Year was just a few days away. I could'nt believe time could deceit me like this. It was just yesterday when I was sending out hate mails to a few people I (obviously) hate, enrolling myself in courses I knew I would never take seriously, reading books I'd hardly ever finish- being busy with things I had planned. And all of a sudden, I found myself waking up on a sunny morning of '09

I like to make my entry into the new year very proper. This time, it caught me by surprise.

What does the new year mean to me? The answer eludes me this time. Sometime back, I had written about the existence of a glass wall between two parts of our being- who we are and who we really want to be. The thickness of the glass depends on how badly we want to go over to the other side. I had also observed that my glass wall was pretty thick. This year, therefore, I plan to break into the other side. Live like I always imagined myself living. Know for certain whether or not I'll like it.

This will be my mantra for this year. Doing everything I did not do till now. It's going to be tough. But who cares? In the end, no one really bothers whether you won, lost or even took part. It's only you who will remember what really happened and that is what will matter the most.

I end with my last year's resolution (excellently summed up by Agate) which I plan to take with me this year too.

" New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take more of my time"- James Agate

Keep shining your light on everyone. Who knows, it might come back you in your darkest hour.